Chelsie Dort:” I Thought I Was Prepared to Marry a Black Man, But I Had NO Idea……..”
It was a little over two and a half years ago, right before I was about to be married that I was asked the question, “Are you prepared for what you and your family will experience seeing as how you are marrying a black man?” Being a white girl raised in Salt Lake City, Utah I was offended.
The man I was speaking with took notice to my offense and simply said “I don’t mean to hurt you, I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that things will be different than I think you are expecting. Things will be harder.” I explained that I was fine and that things were going to be great.
Two and a half wonderful years later, our son is now 5 and our youngest is almost 2 and the woman that I am now often looks back at that day and wishes I could have understood what he meant. I wish I would have understood that my husband would be pulled from his car and handcuffed, placed face down on the ground and arrested while I watched his helpless face, all because he had recently expired tags on his car. I wish I would have known that people would accuse my husband of kidnapping our oldest son because he’s white while simultaneously praising me for being a saint who graciously adopted a little black boy. I wish I would have understood the mean words that can escape someone’s lips when speaking about our mixed little family and the heartache that follows. I wish I would have used that time to consider how I would explain to my boys why people weren’t always nice.
I suppose that part of the problem with the world is that once you are White you will never be Black and trying to understand their fear based on their experiences will always be hard for you. I would say that it’s been about 8 years since I had a taillight out on my car. I went over a year without fixing it before my uncle offered to fix it for me, not one day did I ever even think about it. Fast forward to about a month ago when my taillight was out again. Given my experience as a white female in the past, my current self had chosen not to fix it and instead save the money. My husband was crazy paranoid. He talked every day about the need for me to go and get it fixed. He would drive my car always on the lookout for police and in the event that he saw one he would quickly take another road, pull over to the side and wait for them to pass. I wasn’t quiet about my annoyance to his situation often complaining about his need to feel that because he was black the police were always out to get him. He would always patiently respond with “Babe, we just don’t need that problem.” Our taillight is now fixed but as I listened to the news of a man being shot in his car and the initial reason for the stop was a busted taillight I found myself feeling panicked. What if that was us and my lack of respect for his fears would have taken this same turn for the worst? I went to sleep that night wondering what the future looked like for my family but when I woke up the next morning I would only realize that things were about to get worse, not only for my family but for everyone. The world is full of people. It’s not full of police officers, doctors, teachers, Asians, Hispanics, Males and Females. Our earth is full of people. People who fortunately and unfortunately have the same equal opportunity to decide how they live their lives. It’s full of people who get to make decisions whether they are good or bad. It’s full of people who are affected by those decisions whether they are good or bad. It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea that the problem is US against THEM when the reality is that it’s good versus evil and always has been. People don’t come out of the womb hating their neighbor. Hate is taught and learned. Hate comes from the inside. It’s felt and it lingers. Hate pushes you to find revenge for what you feel is unjust and unfair. Equality is something that we can only hope for and in a perfect world it would exist but the reality is that it doesn’t now and the sad truth is that it’s probably going to be a while if ever.
All lives matter but the truth is that Black lives haven’t always mattered. It is important to place an emphasis on finding solutions to our deepest fears as we watch our loved ones struggle to be treated equally. Violence no matter how oppressed you may feel will never yield the trust and peace filled relationships we yearn for. Taking the life of a father or a mother or a husband or a wife will never bring back what you may have lost. It will not take away your fears and it will not calm your troubled soul. It is not paving the way for any future that we hope to be brighter for us and our children. Hate breeds hate and our only hope left in this world lies within what we can control. Hope isn’t in your Facebook status, your Ksl news article debate or even your good-willed peace protests. It starts at home and it starts with you.
It was a little over two and a half years ago, right before I was about to be married that I was asked the question, “Are you prepared for what you and your family will experience seeing as how you are marrying a black man?” Being a white girl raised in Salt Lake City, Utah I was offended.
The man I was speaking with took notice to my offense and simply said “I don’t mean to hurt you, I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that things will be different than I think you are expecting. Things will be harder.” I explained that I was fine and that things were going to be great.
The man I was speaking with took notice to my offense and simply said “I don’t mean to hurt you, I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that things will be different than I think you are expecting. Things will be harder.” I explained that I was fine and that things were going to be great.
Two and a half wonderful years later, our son is now 5 and our youngest is almost 2 and the woman that I am now often looks back at that day and wishes I could have understood what he meant. I wish I would have understood that my husband would be pulled from his car and handcuffed, placed face down on the ground and arrested while I watched his helpless face, all because he had recently expired tags on his car. I wish I would have known that people would accuse my husband of kidnapping our oldest son because he’s white while simultaneously praising me for being a saint who graciously adopted a little black boy. I wish I would have understood the mean words that can escape someone’s lips when speaking about our mixed little family and the heartache that follows. I wish I would have used that time to consider how I would explain to my boys why people weren’t always nice.
In the past few years, there have been multiple events that have transpired that have caused me to really decide where I stand. I’ve watched and read and talked about men and woman of color being shot and disrespected by law enforcement and I’ve found myself on both sides of the fence. I’ve tucked my babies into bed and watched them sleep and with tears in my eyes I’ve thought, how do I protect you from the world? And I’ve also looked my baby in the eye and said “You better make smart decisions. Safe decisions. No robbing a gas station. No walking down the street swinging a sword around. No rioting. You are to be respectful. You are to be a member of society that contributes to the world. You are to be proud of who you are and your heritage. If you are anything less than these things, you might not come home to me one day.”
I suppose that part of the problem with the world is that once you are White you will never be Black and trying to understand their fear based on their experiences will always be hard for you. I would say that it’s been about 8 years since I had a taillight out on my car. I went over a year without fixing it before my uncle offered to fix it for me, not one day did I ever even think about it. Fast forward to about a month ago when my taillight was out again. Given my experience as a white female in the past, my current self had chosen not to fix it and instead save the money. My husband was crazy paranoid. He talked every day about the need for me to go and get it fixed. He would drive my car always on the lookout for police and in the event that he saw one he would quickly take another road, pull over to the side and wait for them to pass. I wasn’t quiet about my annoyance to his situation often complaining about his need to feel that because he was black the police were always out to get him. He would always patiently respond with “Babe, we just don’t need that problem.” Our taillight is now fixed but as I listened to the news of a man being shot in his car and the initial reason for the stop was a busted taillight I found myself feeling panicked. What if that was us and my lack of respect for his fears would have taken this same turn for the worst? I went to sleep that night wondering what the future looked like for my family but when I woke up the next morning I would only realize that things were about to get worse, not only for my family but for everyone. The world is full of people. It’s not full of police officers, doctors, teachers, Asians, Hispanics, Males and Females. Our earth is full of people. People who fortunately and unfortunately have the same equal opportunity to decide how they live their lives. It’s full of people who get to make decisions whether they are good or bad. It’s full of people who are affected by those decisions whether they are good or bad. It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea that the problem is US against THEM when the reality is that it’s good versus evil and always has been. People don’t come out of the womb hating their neighbor. Hate is taught and learned. Hate comes from the inside. It’s felt and it lingers. Hate pushes you to find revenge for what you feel is unjust and unfair. Equality is something that we can only hope for and in a perfect world it would exist but the reality is that it doesn’t now and the sad truth is that it’s probably going to be a while if ever.
So what do you do now? Now that 5 police officers are dead because of the bad decisions of other PEOPLE. What has that fixed? How many people are going to bed tonight wishing their loved one had come home, black or white, but because of hate they will never walk in the door? All I keep seeing are officers who are afraid of my husband now more than ever. I see wives begging their husbands not to leave whether they are leaving the house with a badge or black skin. I see parents teaching their children to be afraid of the police instead of teaching them to respect those that put their lives on the line to keep us safe. Or parents who pull their children closer when a black man sits to closely on the bus. Ultimately the difference that I want to see in the world doesn’t come from finding justice for those that have been mistreated and disrespected. It comes from what I choose to teach within the walls of my own home. It comes from raising law abiding citizens that respect those around them. It comes from teaching your children that wrong decisions are coupled with consequences and that life isn’t always fair, it was never meant to be. It’s about seeing people as just that, people. Not as their skin color or what they do for a living. Not as who they choose to marry or what they choose to worship. It’s about seeing people as free humans who choose their life and make their own decisions and then finding peace within what you can control. It’s about showing the world through how you live that they were wrong about what they thought they knew about you. It’s about teaching them that while racism is still alive and well, we are working to teach our kids to grow up expecting a better tomorrow regardless of circumstance.
All lives matter but the truth is that Black lives haven’t always mattered. It is important to place an emphasis on finding solutions to our deepest fears as we watch our loved ones struggle to be treated equally. Violence no matter how oppressed you may feel will never yield the trust and peace filled relationships we yearn for. Taking the life of a father or a mother or a husband or a wife will never bring back what you may have lost. It will not take away your fears and it will not calm your troubled soul. It is not paving the way for any future that we hope to be brighter for us and our children. Hate breeds hate and our only hope left in this world lies within what we can control. Hope isn’t in your Facebook status, your Ksl news article debate or even your good-willed peace protests. It starts at home and it starts with you.
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Mr. Nwolisa has lived in Azerbaijan for many years and has a vast connection with very important and strategic businesses. He has worked in several business spheres and organizations and has contributed to the growth of numerous businesses in different industries. He has a well-rounded network with in developing / emerging markets.
Nick Nwolisa: “ Travelling and discovering different cultures and learning new languages was always very central in my life and accompanies me until now. So, after having lived for some time in Azerbaijan, I’m currently living again in Azerbaijan. For a living I work for NGOs, where I usually work in different project teams all around Azerbaijan to consult companies with their businesses and entrepreneurs issues. There is so much that interest me and which I find inspiring. The world offers just so many wonderful things and moments and I enjoy to experience as much of it as possible. Out of those things the following is what I really like to do: Meeting up with friends, having diverse conversations, writing in many ways, cross-literature reading, traveling and philosophising about cultural identity, migration/integration, diversity and everything that belongs to a multicultural world.
What I really love in life: My family! My wife is from Azerbaijan and together we founded a new life together in (for now) Azerbaijan. We were given the most wonderful present on earth: Our Children!”
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Pamela Aracena Santos –Gokhan Özkan
“ We very much appreciate being part of the International Multicultural Network and thankful to the International Multicultural Network for sharing a look inside our multicultural family, it is important to embrace our culture and learn about it…….”
For us being a multicultural family means introducing our children to the whole world.
I am originally for the Dominican Republic, but I lived most of my life in the United States; specifically Miami. Miami is one of the most multi-cultural cities in the United States. However, many of us are from Latin America. I never once really met anyone from Turkey until I left for college. Even then I only had one Turkish friend. Before I met Gokhan, I did not know anything about Turkey. Embarrassingly enough I did not even know where Turkey was on a map. He and I met through unconventional means: Online. It was one random day in November of 2011 while chatting online, I came across Gokhan. He was very sweet, respectful and wanted to know a lot about me and my culture. As time passed I learned more about him and Turkey; the various “Bayrams” celebrated throughout the year, Ramadan, and Islam. Gokhan being Muslim was never a problem for me. The most important things for me were that we agreed on the basics: family, love, trust, communication etc. However, I was very curious about Islam and what it meant to be Muslim. I find being in this relationship that I can ask any question I want about Islam and it not be taken offensively. We are very open about our beliefs, and our cultural values, and often times they are not the same. However, that is not a bad thing. It gives you a different perspective on the same issues. You can learn from each other in this way, and even build your tolerance and acceptance of ideas that are in stark contrast to your own. In a way being in a multi-cultural relationship helps you interact and accept others more easily. I believe communication, trust, and respect is the glue to any relationship, and especially to one that is multi-cultural. If I don’t agree with something that he does, or he doesn’t agree with something that I am doing, we tell each other. It’s ok to disagree, even if it’s about something cultural. The most important thing is that there is communication between the two people about what the issues are, and that both people come to a solution that both will agree upon. Sometimes that means compromising. So I will admit it is a struggle. Being in a multi-cultural relationship takes patience, effort, and time. You have to really want to be with the person. One of the hardest things that can happen as a result of having a multi-cultural relationship is the criticism. I believe that this is a very common phenomenon that many multi-cultural relationships experience. This can definitely get to you, especially if the criticism is coming from someone close to you (e.g. family). Often times those closest to you will wonder why would you want be with someone who is so different than yourself? Why can’t you just be with someone from the same background, country, race, etc., who knows more the customs within your culture? But if you have a partner who will support you and encourage you, and always remind you that they love you and care for you, no matter where you are from or what you believe in, then that is what is most important and what others say about your choice to be in a multi-cultural relationship does not matter. Being multicultural is opening up our minds to accept diversity. We are learning to adapt and change for the better. This is an enlightening adventure for us all….
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I am originally for the Dominican Republic, but I lived most of my life in the United States; specifically Miami. Miami is one of the most multi-cultural cities in the United States. However, many of us are from Latin America. I never once really met anyone from Turkey until I left for college. Even then I only had one Turkish friend. Before I met Gokhan, I did not know anything about Turkey. Embarrassingly enough I did not even know where Turkey was on a map. He and I met through unconventional means: Online. It was one random day in November of 2011 while chatting online, I came across Gokhan. He was very sweet, respectful and wanted to know a lot about me and my culture. As time passed I learned more about him and Turkey; the various “Bayrams” celebrated throughout the year, Ramadan, and Islam. Gokhan being Muslim was never a problem for me. The most important things for me were that we agreed on the basics: family, love, trust, communication etc. However, I was very curious about Islam and what it meant to be Muslim. I find being in this relationship that I can ask any question I want about Islam and it not be taken offensively. We are very open about our beliefs, and our cultural values, and often times they are not the same. However, that is not a bad thing. It gives you a different perspective on the same issues. You can learn from each other in this way, and even build your tolerance and acceptance of ideas that are in stark contrast to your own. In a way being in a multi-cultural relationship helps you interact and accept others more easily. I believe communication, trust, and respect is the glue to any relationship, and especially to one that is multi-cultural. If I don’t agree with something that he does, or he doesn’t agree with something that I am doing, we tell each other. It’s ok to disagree, even if it’s about something cultural. The most important thing is that there is communication between the two people about what the issues are, and that both people come to a solution that both will agree upon. Sometimes that means compromising. So I will admit it is a struggle. Being in a multi-cultural relationship takes patience, effort, and time. You have to really want to be with the person. One of the hardest things that can happen as a result of having a multi-cultural relationship is the criticism. I believe that this is a very common phenomenon that many multi-cultural relationships experience. This can definitely get to you, especially if the criticism is coming from someone close to you (e.g. family). Often times those closest to you will wonder why would you want be with someone who is so different than yourself? Why can’t you just be with someone from the same background, country, race, etc., who knows more the customs within your culture? But if you have a partner who will support you and encourage you, and always remind you that they love you and care for you, no matter where you are from or what you believe in, then that is what is most important and what others say about your choice to be in a multi-cultural relationship does not matter. Being multicultural is opening up our minds to accept diversity. We are learning to adapt and change for the better. This is an enlightening adventure for us all….
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